OPINION: Hello and welcome to Proctoscope, the current affairs programme that takes a closer look at the body politic. Joining me tonight are Tax Working Group chairman Sir Doctor Michael Cullen and Leader of the Opposition Simon Bridges. Mr Bridges?
Oh thank you God, thank you thank you for this, I'll never doubt you again, thank you thank you thank you.
Mr Bridges? Perhaps if you got up off your knees…
Oh. Sorry.
Let's start with you Sir Doctor Cullen. You're proposing the Labour-led government introduce a capital gains tax. More tax, then?
More tax yes but also in a way, quid pro quo, more tax no. You see, viewed through the lens of tax neutrality, this is a burble burble rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb.
Mr Bridges, your reply?
RUN! EVERYBODY RUN! Gather your children! Fetch the animals from the fields! Barricade the doors! They're coming for everything you love and THEY WILL NEVER STOP!
Sir Doctor Cullen is that a fair representation?
Not really, I mean, fundamentally we're simply talking about stretching the tax base to accommodate a more diverse number of inputs waffle rhubarb burble burble rhubarb waffle.
Isn't that actually right Mr Bridges?
What's being stretched are the wallets of ordinary Kiwis as this Government attacks them! This is an assault on ordinary Kiwis but I tell you that I and all the ordinary Kiwis like me won't be giving up our baches, oh no. They'll have to prise them from our COLD DEAD HANDS!
Do you own a bach?
Well more like an interest in a few investment properties but the bach is a good metaphor. Look, this tax is an attack on what it means to be a New Zealander. You might as well tax the Edmonds Cookbook! Jandals! Rachel Hunter and Trumpets! That's what we're talking about here and this Labour-led government WOULD TAX THEM ALL! Alive! I feel so alive!
Sir Michael Doctor –
No wait! I haven't finished! Won't anyone think of the compliance costs! The only winners here are lawyers and accountants! Businesses will be drowning in red tape, do you hear me? LITERALLY DROWNING IN RED TAPE!
Is it possible to literally drown in red tape?
It's a metaphor!
Doctor Sir Cullen: is capital gains tax too complicated?
Well they do seem to cope with it in Australia.
Mr Bridges? They seem to cope with it in Australia.
Oh yeah? Yeah? And since when has Australia been the yardstick to measure ourselves by? Look how they treated the aborigines! Exactly!
Well on that tangent can I have a closing statement from each of you. Mr Cullen?
Recommendations, fairness, consultation, rhubarb rhubarb, burble burble waffle.
And Mr Bridges?
Communism by stealth! Rachel Hunter! Trumpets! Dancing cossacks! We will fight them on the beaches, we few, we happy few, we band of brothers! Yes they may take our lives, but they can't take away our freedom! Look out New Zild, Simon's back in the game! I'm on fire! On fire! Woohoo!... Actually I could do with a cold shower, have you got one?