QUESTION: I have a half-sister from my mother's side who I have had little to do with.
I was brought up by my father (and step-mother) since their divorce. I have been in New Zealand for 20 years and am originally from China.
A few years ago, my mother came to help me for six months with my second son, following his birth. It was the first time in 25 years that we had lived together.
My half-sister and her husband came to join us too for a month for their honeymoon. We not only paid for everything, but also gifted them money and trips. Last time, I went back to China I even bought them a refrigerator – I have been nothing but nice.
So I was a bit hurt when I heard very little from my half-sister after they visited – she made her husband write an email to say thank you after they left. Since then, she has never contacted me. Most of the time she just ignores me or my questions (for example, asking how she was when she was not well) on social media. Recently, we have planned to go back to China to visit family and I realised that she has blocked me on social media for at least one or two years.
I know she has been struggling to get pregnant, whereas I have two children. Perhaps she is jealous and can't stand my posts of the children?
I asked her what she would like me to bring, even after bringing up (innocently) the fact that I was blocked (and she unblocked me without any explanation) and bought the stuff she was after. Part of me wants to carry on as normal. But the other part is very hurt and just wants to cut her off.
ANSWER: There's two sides to this, of course – there's always two sides. Your half-sister clearly has some issues and you've littered your letter with clues as to why this may be.
Money can't buy love, money can't buy happiness – we all know this sentiment to be true and yet you're lavishly bestowing gifts and trips and wanting gratitude in return. When your half-sister doesn't thank you (she made her husband write the email), you are confused and disappointed. But I'd like to suggest that there's more than rudeness going on when your sister doesn't give you the thanks you're searching for. I think she withholds her appreciation because she knows how desperately you want to be thanked. Your whole relationship seems out of kilter.
You assume she wants your life. You have two children, you live here in New Zealand, you clearly have money. You're both adults now, you've probably both missed out on family stuff with your parents' divorce and you being taken off to another country. It makes me wonder what your sister has that you will always crave? Perhaps it's the love and affection of your mother. Perhaps it's the very fact that she's had her whole life with your mother and you've only had time with your mother latterly when your second son was born. I think that must have been hard for you, but it seems you're determined not to show any vulnerability to your younger half-sister.
You probably both have demons you need to air, but if you only communicate on social media (and then it appears there was a two-year drought?), then one would have to doubt your motives in all this. If you genuinely cherish this woman, care about her as a half-sister, then stop tipping your actions so that you are the generous, lucky one.
I don't profess to be a relationship expert, but common-sense tells me you both have stuff to work through. Is it worth it? This is about family so I'd say it's worth heaps; way more than a new refrigerator, or any number of gifts.
* Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book Awards for children and young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren't many parenting problems she hasn't talked over.
* Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.
* To send Mary-anne a question email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line. Your anonymity is assured.